You live & you learn.

I’m not even sure where I should begin.

You know that feeling, where you’re so uncomfortable with your entire life and all you can do is think “wow, I am just not good enough”? I am going through that right now. Talking about my feelings is not one of my strong points in life, surprisingly. However writing about it will hopefully help me through this really difficult time that I am having.... And maybe help some of you. I know I can’t be alone here.  

My world went upside in just a few quick days and I honestly don’t even know what happened. Without getting into details- being alone is truly one of my fears in life, especially when you think that you have found someone you belong with. I have been struggling trying to convince myself that life moves on, and either you jump on that ride; or you’re left behind while everyone else enjoys each day. I know how ridiculous that I may sound here and that I am still “young” and that I just need to get over it- but I am not a typical 22 year old. I want a family, and a home and to settle down and it’s so hard to not scare people away with that. It’s scary to grow up; I am petrified to turn 23 next week. I used to love everything about birthdays- now I get stressed out knowing that it’s coming. Each year older I think about all of the things I didn't accomplish, or what is expected of me now that I am 23; is that normal? I know it’s not. I am an overthink-er and it pushes people out of my life and I can’t help but hate that part of myself; why do I do this? It’s because I give my all into everything I do in life, I love with every piece of my being; I give you all of me and when that isn't enough I come down to the conclusion: I am not good enough.

Relationships are so hard. Sometimes someone in the relationship is going through something big and difficult emotionally and nothing you say or do will help them through it. And unfortunately because you’re on the front lines of their emotions, they will take it out on you and it will be hard. You have to be supportive and loving, and you will be hurt and shut out. You have to let them handle it on their own terms. Your happiness is just as important as theirs; whatever their dealing with will pass,

 its weather they decide you belong in their “happiness” or not is their choice.

So now this is how I am going to fix it, because I can’t do this “self-loathing” thing anymore; it’s exhausting. I am going to get up and do what I want every single day; live each day to the fullest. It’s not that I’m not sad about what happened because trust me, I am. I need to get back to “Carrie” and all of the things that I loved about myself, I loved my heart, and how much love it was filled with- I need that back. I need to live my life and who knows what will happen, time tells all. I am so grateful to have the life that I have, my family and best friends have shown me so much love and understanding about life that Its really moved me to a point where I can get out of this deep tunnel I am in. I know there is a light somewhere at the end, and even though it’s a bit dim right now- I am getting there. Each day a little closer, but as long as I am moving forward, that’s all that counts.

My best friend text-ed me with a friendly reminder, “Your happiness spreads to those around you more than you know”- and that is what I am aiming for in life. I just want to be happy every day- I know it’s hard to be happy all day long, but there is happiness in every single day. My future is going to be bright, I am not going to give that up, I deserve that. But I have chosen to get back on that ride and enjoy every single day with my loved ones right beside me. A year from now, who knows… maybe I still will be sitting here; alone- or maybe things will work themselves out, that’s the crazy thing about life.

You live and you learn, I don’t regret anything;

 it was a beautiful love.