The truth

For many years I wrote in secret. I would find myself only putting the pen to paper when the lights were dim, when no one was around.

In hiding, I filled countless notebooks with words of heart-break, love, laughter, inspiration, anything that was bubbling at the surface; dying to come to life.

Those journals were mirrors of my truth.

        In the process of moving, I threw them out. I flipped through the pages, reading only snip-its of each entry, and I violently ripped out the pages covered in ink. I was terrified of anyone reading them. I was nervous of what they would think of me, what if they really knew me? I didn’t want to be judged or misunderstood. Those journals were the only place I could vent, let my guard down and truly let my feelings fly out of the tip of my pen. All of those feelings, all of those truths, destroyed because of my own fears. How pathetic.

This is where things get deep, you should probably sit down.

       What happened when I destroyed my writing was I became even more disconnected from my own story, more disconnected from my own truth. I was unsure of who I even was. Over time I began to feel more fragmented; I felt that the “me” I presented to others was a artificial version of myself. I was eager to please others, be a “yes” kind of person.  I forced a personality that I “thought” others wanted to see; one that I thought would be most accepted and loved. When I met people and they asked about the type of person I was, what I believed in, or what I did, I said something vague, cliché even. I would quickly change the topic back onto them. I became incoherent of my own words, from my own individuality, from my own power. I was unhappy, insecure and uninspired. I cut myself off from living the life I wanted.

       At the core was a fear of what it would mean to shine. To shine with MY story, MY truth, and MY words. When we share our creative selves and expressing our opinions, we are raw and vulnerable. It is such a powerful talent but can also being extremely frightening. I was tired of being disconnected from my uniqueness and vibrancy, I was given this tool to express myself and I need to share it.

          During the last year I have made some attempts to share inspirational blog posts, and I think that you all enjoyed them. It takes a lot of courage to post and share my life, because when I write it is when I am feeling my weakest; and I need to release all of the words begging to come out. When I hear you all tell me that you love my posts, and how positive they make you feel; I feel whole. In that very moment it hit me, I am a writer. I thought the words, and then I said them aloud. I am a writer. My whole being lit up. I lit up with love, with truth, with growth, with an overwhelming feeling of effortlessness and simplicity.

       For the first time I was able to see my light, my vibrancy, I could feel and touch the power of my own words. I am now speaking my truth.

       I believe that we all have an outlet of expression that holds energy for us. It is the form that we gravitate to when we are in our darkest hours, our soul’s medicine. Maybe you are connected to music, writing, art, nature, dance, cooking or yoga. Please, realize that this is a gift; find peace within it. Don't be afraid to share it, say it out-loud; be proud of it.

      Connect to it honestly and completely. Be aware of how your inner light shines through when you’re expressing yourself through something you’re compassionate about. Love this part of yourself.

This is your purpose. This is your truth.

        I have never been able to stand so confidently, happily and lovingly than I have the past year.  I have grown so much as a person, and I owe that to all of you. Thank you for letting me trust you all, for accepting my flaws and for giving me the strength to feel as beautiful on the outside as I am on the inside. 

The truth is, I am a writer, and I am going to continue to do what makes my heart happy,

 so should you.